


His Perfect Haunted House (now with butt sweat)

by kittykatknits



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Robb is Extra, Star Wars References, halloween fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 12:58:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12557900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittykatknits/pseuds/kittykatknits
Summary: Tumblr prompt: Sansa is fighting/arguing with Jon and Robb. To get the last laugh, Sansa starts listing off random location in the middle of their obnoxious "victory" celebration:"the upstairs and downstairs bathroom, the pool, the boys locker room, the kitchen table, the football field, in your car..." (it's a LONG list). Robb's confused until he sees Jon's facial expression change from confusion to realization to shock to embarrassment, and when finally making eye contact with Robb--fear.This led to a Halloween themed one-shot. Robb and Jon are building a haunted house. It does not go according to Robb's plan.





	His Perfect Haunted House (now with butt sweat)

This year’s haunted house was going to be perfect, Robb knew it. He and Jon, his best friend and roommate, had been working on this for months now and it was finally time.

 The day of set up was upon them and he was ready for it. The theme this year was their best one yet, Star Wars, in honor of the movie that would be coming out in only two more months. It took time, but they’d built a death star to sit above the front door that shot red laser beams at kids, a TIE fighter that could destroy an X-Wing on command. Ideally, it would happen when children were close to the explosion, in order to maximize their terror. If it made the kids pee their pants, well, that was a price Robb was willing to pay. His favorite part, though, was the duel reenactment between Anakin and Obi Wan. They’d built a lava pit that would spew red slime onto children via a remote control. Robb loved it. **  
**

There was only one problem.

“Here Sansa. I’ll take that from you.” Jon took the pair of light sabers from his little sister’s hands. “You don’t need to carry anything. We’re glad to have you here.”

“Thank you, Jon. That’s very sweet of you.” If he didn’t know better, he thought Sansa might swoon right into Jon’s arms.

Robb sighed. What a dork, he thought to himself. “It’s two light sabers,” he helpfully pointed out, making sure they heard the annoyance in his voice. “If Sansa is going to be here, then let’s put her to work."

“I don’t mind, just glad for her company,” said Jon. He appreciated how friendly and helpful his friend had been with Sansa lately. She’d been over to their house quite a bit the past several weeks and Jon, best friend that he was, spent a great deal of time keeping her entertained for him.

He left them standing together on the front lawn, agonizing over the drama of a pair of play swords, to head back into the garage and bring out all of their set pieces. It would take most of the weekend to set up their yard and garage for the haunted house.

“Are you gonna help or what?” He called out.

“Yeah, I’m coming. Sorry,” said Jon. He whispered something else to Sansa before going into the garage to carry out the X-Wing pieces.  

Sansa didn’t help at all, which he expected. She had some idea to build another display that involved unicorns and rainbows or something, he wasn’t sure. Naturally, Robb refused. There were no unicorns in Star Wars. For some reason, Jon didn’t seem to have an opinion either way.

“Robb, could we talk about my idea again?” She asked sweetly.

He put down the Tie-Fighter piece on the ground. “No, I already explained. There is no room for glitter fairies in my haunted house.”

“It’s not ‘glitter fairies’, Robb. It’s fairy tales, there’s a difference.” He disagreed. “Some children are easily frightened. It would be nice to have a small display so they can participate in this too, don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t think.”

Sansa snorted for some reason. “I’ll do all the work to set it up. I’ve already made myself a princess costume.”

“Sounds great, I’m sure it will be lovely…at your own house.” He would not be swayed in this, not even for his little sister.

“Jon offered to be my knight. It would be adorable, don’t you think?” Sansa gave him one of her smiles, the ones she used when trying to get her way. They usually worked on him too, he was literally the best big brother of all time.

Until now. It was obvious, Sansa was trying to use his best friend against him. “Hey, Jon,” he called out. “Did you agree to be a knight for Halloween? That’s not what we decided. You’re supposed to be a Jedi Knight who turns to the dark side, remember?”

Jon approached them, seemingly obsessed with the blades of grass at their feet. “It’s sort of a knight,” he said feebly.

Sansa actually looked betrayed. “You’re going to be Darth Vader,” she said, horrified. “Not my knight in shining armor?”

“I’m so sorry, San.” Robb wondered when Jon created a pet name for her. No one called her that. “Darth Vader is….” He waved his arms around, trying to explain.

Robb understood. “Pretty much the best character to ever be created in any entertainment medium, ever.”

“Yeah, that.” Jon scratched at his beard, anxious. “Maybe we could create a small space for you and get Rickon to be your knight?” That last part almost sounded like a whine.

“Rickon?!?!”

“That’s a great idea,” Robb chimed in, trying to be helpful. “Maybe you could put a diorama in the tool shed or something.”

“The tool shed?!?! That dark shack would frighten children.” Sansa looked horrified. Robb worried she might start to cry.

“It’s a haunted house,” he explained. “We’re trying to scare children. That’s what you do on Halloween.”

“Jon, will you help me?”

His friend looked like he was about to start hyperventilating. “Maybe next year we could do a dark fairy tales theme. I’ll gladly be your knight then.”

Robb nodded his head, satisfied. “Excellent, problem solved.” He offered up his hand for a fist bump and the two of them started to go back to work.

“That’s perfect,” she said happily. “In the meantime, we can set up your clones in Robb’s bedroom. Perhaps we could do the display of Vader’s costume remains on his desk?”

“Well, okay, I guess.” Robb shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure we want to put little kids in my room, but I’m up for extending there.” It was Halloween after all, the best holiday of the year.

Sansa grinned. “And we can set up the dead tauntaun display on Robb’s bed with the guts spread out all over his pillows.”

“Well, I think that’s a bit much.” Jon seemed to be as confused as he was.

“And Jabba the Hutt can go in the bathroom with his thick, long tongue resting where Robb keeps his shampoo and soap.”

“That’s kinda gross.”

Jon looked vaguely shocked. “Sansa..I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not? Oh, I have another idea,” she squealed. “Let’s build out the villians by the kitchen table. We can put Snoke where Robb likes to eat. Maybe Emperor Palpatine can go in his big chair by the TV.”

Jon looked embarrassed, his hands pulling in and out of his pockets as his left foot bounced on the ground. Robb didn’t blame him, his sister wasn’t making any sense. “Sansa, maybe we shouldn’t do any of that,” he said shakily.

“Yeah, these are horrible ideas.”

“Oh, really? Are they?”  

“Sansa…I…” Slowly, Jon made eye-contact with him and Robb realized. He was afraid.

Robb made an odd gasping sound, as comprehension dawned. “I don’t believe this,” he exclaimed. He felt sick. “How long have you been defiling my innocent sister?”

"Oh…no…no….you have it all wrong,” Jon said, trying to be helpful. “She’s not that innocent.”

He quickly shook his head, unable to believe what his best friend turned greatest enemy was telling him. “WHAT?!?!”

“I mean, she was innocent before I defiled her.” Jon looked like he was going to throw up.

Sansa said nothing, merely standing there and laughing silently.

His former best friend turned greatest betrayer looked at his little sister. “I thought we were going to tell him at Thanksgiving so he’d..give…thanks…” he trailed off lamely.

Robb could not believe this was happening. “Are you telling me that where I use my computer,” for copious amounts of porn, “for work is now tainted with Jon Snow’s butt sweat?”

Jon pointed his finger. “Well, technically, it wasn’t my-”

“I’m gonna go ahead and stop you right there. And Sansa, you can stop laughing any time now.” Robb looked around the yard, the display pieces to his once grand Star Wars themed haunted house lay all around him. He needed a new plan.

“Where are you going?”

Robb stopped walking and turned back to his former best friend turned arch nemesis. “First, I’m going to board up my bedroom. It was a good room while it lasted, but it’s infected now. After that, we’re doing a new theme.”

“What’s the theme?” Sansa asked, obviously hoping she’d get her unicorns or whatever it was.

“The Purge,” he barked out. “And Jon, you have until seven tonight until I start hunting.”

He left them standing there, heading to the garage to look for bricks, wood, cement blocks, anything that could be used to seal off his bedroom.

“Hey, Robb,” said Jon from behind him.

“Sorry, can’t talk now. I’m fixing the taint.”

“We were going to tell you.”

“Yes, while my mouth was stuffed with turkey and mashed potatoes. I’m sure you would have told me you two were having sex while making it all too.” Robb decided Thanksgiving this year would have a Mexican theme.

“I doubt it, Sansa takes her cooking pretty seriously.”

“Not helping. Also, you might want to start preparing. The Purge begins at seven.” He picked up some wood scraps and went into the house.

A few minutes later, the two of them followed.

“Robb,” said Sansa. “I’m sorry you found out this way. I might have gotten a bit carried away.”

“Might have?”

“We weren’t going to keep it a secret forever, I promise.”

Robb paused in his work to study the two of them, recalling all the times Jon “helpfully entertained” his sister. “How long?”

“A couple months.” Jon started to take Sansa’s hand before taking notice of his expression and letting go.

“We didn’t say anything since the two of you have been friends so long,” Sansa explained. “We were worried that you might think I was coming between you.”

“You did.” He was also committed to dark fairy tales the next year too.

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“How?

“I bet my friend Margaery will participate.”

Robb found himself in a very forgiving mood all the sudden. “Go on.”

“If we ask, I’m sure she’ll even wear the Pricess Leia costume for you. I think we know which one.”

He always was a magnanimous man. “The Purge has ended.”

“Thank you for not killing me.”

“Yeah, well, Happy Halloween.”

Evidently, Jon thought all was well since he took Sansa’s hand, firmly this time, before smiling down at her. “Any chance you’ll wear that for me?”

“I’m going to stop you both right now. Darth Vader happens to be Leia’s dad so that’s just wrong,” he helpfully pointed out. They ignored him.

“Guys?”

They started sucking face right in front of him. “I don’t believe this,” he mumbled to himself before going back to walling off his bedroom.


End file.
